PUTTING IT OUT THERE: EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Let me start by saying all experiences are important and are all worth listening to and telling someone about. There are many different types of abuse but I want to talk about emotional abuse... 

I am not one to throw the word abuse around like it's a joke however I believe the reason so many girls are afraid to talk about it is because sometimes they don't even know themselves that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Trust me it's not always as obvious as you may think and often the abuser doesn't even realise themselves their own issues they need to address. 

A lot of relationships start with the idea of wanting validation from someone. Be very wise when deciding who you seek validation from. As soon as you are openly looking for validation from another person you are already in somewhat of a vulnerable place in your heart, because you're running low on self-love and self-validation. This is when someone is most vulnerable of attracting emotional abusers. 

Emotional abuse comes in many different shapes and sizes, which ranges from emotional blackmail, reverse psychology to lies and neglect. I am going to quote some typical phrases that abusers love to refer to when they are trying to control and manipulate your thoughts and feelings...

• "I must be a bad person" 
• "Oh it's all my fault then" 
• "Sorry little miss perfect" 
• "Oh yeah because you've never done anything wrong." 
• "You're never satisfied" 

One common denominator among these phrases is that they all flip it round and make you reflect on yourself whereas chances are you were upset or angry at something they had done wrong. In response to THEIR ACTIONS you then find yourself feeling bad instead of them having to deal with the consequences of what they have done. This is exactly what emotional abuse is about. Control. And that is exactly how they gain control over your thoughts and feelings. Abusers often have a lack of control in their own lives (dare they even admit it) and are trying to restore order in their own lives at the expense of a vulnerable, compassionate person like yourself. 

Some other scenarios you may find yourself in if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship: 

• They only seem to have time for you when they have nothing else to do. I know this might seem crazy because people are busy and have their own lives. But what I'm talking about is if you feel like you're the very last option to someone. If they somehow have time to see their friends 24/7 but never you. If they cancel plans with you to do something like go to the pub. You have no idea the emotional impact this can have on a vulnerable person. This makes the abuser appear 'unavailable' and 'hard to get' which then puts them on a pedestal and makes you crave their time and validation ever more than you did before. This is emotional abuse, people. This is someone controlling how you view them and how you view yourself. 
• He stops complimenting you. Girls, when you find the right guy for you believe me he should be the head cheerleader at the top of your support system, waving them pom poms like crazy when you achieve your goals. An abuser will choose not to compliment or congratulate you as another form of control. The more you start to believe that you are doing well and looking amazing, your self-love and self-validation improves and he loses part of his control over you. He will make any little sly comment or dig at you over a period of time to make sure you never feel good enough. Sure as hell these comments work too, you then add pressure to yourself to try and live up to his high expectations of you, which one day you'll realise are impossible to meet. The funny thing about this one is that he knows for sure you can do better than him, he knows how beautiful you are but he fears that if you know that, he'll lose his power over you. 
• If you do leave him and understand that you deserve better, he becomes even more obsessed with having power over you. It's like they have one more desperate attempt at having power over you. This can also be sometimes the most cruel attempt at controlling you. They will use anything they can to draw you back in, or ruin your chances of getting that self-love and validation now that you're on your own. They will try and turn people against you with lies and manipulation. No matter how much you don't respond to them they will continue to harass you with false accusations (which they do to get you to respond and defend yourself). They may even do what they can to get sympathy from others, this then has the reverse effect of making you look and feel bad. Making you question if you're the bad person. So when you decide to wash your hands with this waste of space, it's unfortunately never as simple as that. Men always want what they can't have, it's human nature that something becomes almost more desirable when you know it's not easily accessible. 

Letting go of any relationship whether it was romantic or even just a friendship, is always a process. In terms of an emotionally abuse relationship the best thing you can do is to hit him where it hurts, cut him off, block him and completely restrict him from accessing your thoughts and feelings. This removes him of his position of control and he then won't know what you're feeling or thinking. This is torture for him. 

Begin on a journey of self-love and self-validation and while waiting for someone to fall in love with you, you must fall in love with yourself first. A relationship is a space where you should feel safe, accepted, supported and not to mention loved to pieces. If you're lacking in any of these then you're better off single and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.