Mental health never occurred to me as a real thing until I was 15/16, maybe I was an ignorant teen and my attitude towards it was the same as most of the subjects I learnt in school - not being arsed about something that wasn't important in my life or was never going to effect me. Oh how wrong I was. At that age I went through some emotional distress during school which after a period of time, ended up in me taking anti-depressants, having visits from the school nurse and receiving counselling by a local charity. To cut a long story short, the medication was a God send and genuinely put me on the right track to recovery.
I'd be lying if I said that my life carried on how it was prior to that. The next period of my life consisted of bad relationships, lack of friendships, awful jobs and family bereavements. Because of this I gradually became a very very negative person. My outlook on life was that nothing went right for me so I was to always expect the worst. I had that mentality for so long that I began to believe that this was who I was and I was just born a pessimistic person. Living with such a negative mindset can be so damaging if you allow it for so long.
Fast forward to this year. I was working in a job that I loved at the beginning but due to circumstances within the company I was overworked and very negatively criticized when I felt like I was giving my everything to the job. After an emotional breakdown and deciding "I just can't do it anymore" I walked out of the job and straight back into my GP's office... Again. I could feel those dark thoughts of depression and anxious feelings flooding back from the days I was 16. But this time I wanted to get a hold of them before they got even worse. If you suffer from any mental health illness that gives you dark thoughts then you know just how terrifying that can be. I was prescribed onto the same anti-depressants that I had taken 3/4 years ago. After day 2 of medication I had to stop. They absolutely ruined me, not only did my issues get worse, they were making me incredibly ill.
At this point I was having a panic attack every single day. I had anxious feelings about absolutely everything: eating, drinking, leaving the house and even seeing people and having to hold conversation with anyone. I lost a lot of weight because the thought of food gave me panic attacks. Every time I went to eat I'd start to feel ill to the point where I was doing everything I could just to eat a meal. I would ring my mom constantly crying. I had to download games on my phone to play while I was eating to try and get me to eat subconsciously without panicking. I can't explain how difficult these couple of months were for me. I felt so hopeless and I genuinely didn't want to carry on pursuing a life that was that miserable.
Because I had lived with such a negative mindset for so long my natural instinct was to believe that this was just how my life was meant to be and I'd have to put up with it.
Before you begin to think that too, I have to stop you.
After trying anything and everything I began mindfulness meditation. I began taking back control of my mind and the debilitating dark thoughts. It took a lot of hard work and effort but I can happily say that since then I haven't had a panic attack since and I no longer have had dark/suicidal thoughts. I still put in the effort to keep a sound mind every single day and as I state in the beginning I am still on a journey and I still have to fight it some days.
I'd love to carry on sharing my journey with you and open up more about it. I especially want to share with you in detail about how I overcame my depression & anxiety and the ways I take control over my thoughts and feelings. If you have any questions or want to share with me your journey then please do so. This is my passion and I want to walk with you in your journey with mental health too...
Instagram - @emilyloisj
Twitter - @emilyjewx
Mail - emilyjewson97@gmail.com
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